The MomSpeak

 

I’ve never gone for the whole “self-sacrificing mother” schtick — I don’t believe that motherhood should subsume one’s identity as an individual. I also believe — in theory, at least — that to be a good caregiver, I must take care of myself. But, though I talk a good game, I neglect myself as much as the next parental martyr. 

It sneaks up on me — I don’t consciously set out to put myself aside. But then someone needs an early pickup from school so I skip the walk I’ve been trying to take for the entire week. Or someone goes to bed late and I find myself doing laundry at midnight (instead of sleeping). I get busy with mundane details and forget to call my friends. Weeks go by before I realize that I haven’t done a single thing to renew myself. (Usually, the realization comes when one of my kids gingerly points out I’m, um, in a grumpy mood.)

So what gives? Why is it, when my work, my family, my husband and I so obviously suffer when I neglect myself, do I continue to do it?

It’s a simple fact that, beyond the basics, a family’s needs expand to fill the space available. Once the love-food-shelter-education bases are covered, there’s always more that can be done. Grocery shopping’s done for the week, but, man — the pantry’s a mess. Kids are doing fine in school, but perhaps I could learn something from this book about childhood brain development. You get the point — no detail is too small or unimportant to compete for your attention. And too often it’s easier to give in than to reserve some time (or money, if you’re a hobbyist) for yourself.

A wise friend recently pointed out that if one of my kids needed something — an hour of quiet time after school every day, or pants that fit — I wouldn’t hesitate to make it happen. We got a dog over the summer, and I faithfully walk him for 20-40 minutes every day…and yet, till now, I’ve “never had time to exercise.” Hm.

Obviously there’s a balance. We want to teach our children generosity and selflessness. But we also want to model the self-worth inherent in prioritizing ourselves along with all of the other demands in life. When a messy pantry becomes more important that your inner peace, something’s out of whack.

I’ll stop belaboring the point: you deserve — you NEED — time and resources to nourish yourself. Steven Covey (of “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People” fame) calls it “sharpening the saw.” You can cut down many more trees when you pause to maintain your equipment. (We’ll just ignore the deforestation metaphor here.) Make a date right now to do something that renews you. If you’re a reader, pencil (wait, pen!) in an hour of uninterrupted reading. Get a babysitter if necessary. If nature clears the mental cobwebs, bundle up and get out for a hike. Whatever reminds you about who you are…do it. You’re worth it.