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Little Miss Independent
Kristen Chase of CoolMomPicks | August 19th, 2008 - 8:00 AM
I recently got into a fascinating discussion about 4-year-olds, during an eyebrow wax, of all times. My aesthetician and I were discussing routines and other random tidbits, like how we’d be more excited that our kids can talk in long paragraphs if only they had an on-off button. We ended up on the subject of my daughter making her own bed.
“You have her make her own bed?” she asked me curiously, the way all moms seem to do when I reveal this fact.
“Absolutely,” I said. “She’s been doing it since she was three.”
Learning responsibility
I’ve found myself to be somewhat of an anomaly here, but it’s my contention that if my daughter is capable of using a remote control–which I know she is because I’ve left the room during my Project Runway marathon to find the Backyardigans dancing around — then she can darn well help out around the house.
Ever since my daughter could knowingly make a mess, I’ve had her participate in the cleaning up of said mess. Granted it might have only constituted picking up one or two toys without me having to resort to asking her 500 times, but she still came to understand that messes were okay, if only temporarily, because she was going to be the one to get rid of them. Not me.
As she grew older, we’ve implemented all kinds of duties for her around the house. Since we have yet to institute an actual allowance for her (because let’s face it, I do not need my 4-year-old bringing home more doll clothes, even if she did purchase them with her own money) she has a regular set of chores that are her responsibility as part of living in the house. Along with cleaning up after herself and bringing her dishes up to the sink, every morning she tucks those sheets nicely into that toddler bed of hers and folds up the sheets. The way I see it, it takes way less dexterity than creating those LEGO masterpieces she’s so enamored with. So it’s easy to understand how it became part of her routine rather quickly. And now that you can find handy, pre-made chore charts, like this great magnetic one from Melissa & Doug, kids can keep track of their responsibilities all on their own.
Rewarding responsibility, teaching saving
We also provide opportunities for my daughter to earn money, like emptying the silverware tray from our dishwasher and most recently, letting the dogs out. These chores are not optional, but she does get a quarter every time they’re completed. We frequently discuss what she’s saving her money for, and we’ve even emptied out a few dollars when she really wanted a new coloring book for a family vacation. It’s definitely helpful to have a fun “piggy” bank; we’re partial to this lovely helicopter bank or for a more functional approach, the Trio Bank from LearningCents is an awesome way to get them started.
I can’t declare for certain that having all these responsibilities around the home has made my 4-year old the capable, independent thinker that she is; I tend to believe that a lot of that has to do with her own personality. But I will say that exposing her to a basic reward system will help her become more independent in the coming years. She’s learning the basics of cause and effect, and dare I say, capitalism. And hopefully, I’m helping her to understand the gratification that comes with earning and then spending one’s own money.
Our kids don’t stay little forever and I can see where it’s often easier to baby them. But if there’s anything I feel strongly about as a mother, it’s raising a smart, thinking, self-sufficient daughter. Sometimes that starts with just letting them do things on their own.
this is such a great tip! Now, if only I could enact the same principles on my husband!
I knew I couldn’t be the only mother who has had her 4 year old daughter make her own bed since she was 3. She also gets up every morning with an alarm clock and dresses herself for school (I still choose the clothes the night before), and she is responsible for cleaning up all her messes, including taking her dishes to the sink. I’ve also been using the particular Melissa & Doug responsibility chart you mentioned for several months and it works great. I keep the “stop whining” responsibility up continuiously, and when she starts getting wound up all I have to say is “you’re going to lose that whining dot” and it stops instantly. We work on weekly goals rather than individual chore goals (some of her goals are physical, like making her bed, but some of them are social, like using good manners during meals, and I rotate them periodically, so she can continually learn new things). She picks out something that she wants to earn, then I decide how many weeks it will take to get it, usually no more than 4. At the end of that time she gets the reward she chose. She understands the difference between working for something and having it handed to her, and she definitely treasures those things she’s worked for more than anything I’ve ever just given her and now, instead of asking me to buy her something, she usually asks if she can earn it. And the pride she has in herself for her accomplishments at the end of each day, week, and reward period is priceless.
I don’t even have kids (yet) but am terrified of the prospect of teaching them the art of responsibility. It seems so much has changed in the past 25 years, but this post ((I was diverted via Dooce blog ( http://dooce.com/ )) has given me faith that we’re still allowed to teach responsibility without the fear of being labelled promoters of child slave labour.
I read an article a long time ago that talked about how important it is to not cater to your child’s every whim and actually expect your kids to do work around the house. The theory was that if a child has to contribute to the functioning of the household, they see themselves as necessary to the family and to the happiness of their parents and therefore they were more secure. It makes you feel good to be needed, right? But kids who were little despots, and whose parents spent their time “trying to make the kids happy”, these were the kids with problems. They generally lacked the security and self-confidence that the other group had developed which led to all sorts of problems. Now I tend to think that these sorts of studies are always about 50% bullsh*t, but I like what this one says, so I believe it. But it also seems to go along with what I see. If you shower your child with material things and expect nothing of them, give them no responsibilities, they are not super-appreciative, they are brats.
We bought our daughter a savings bank from http://www.christianbook.com when she was 5. It looks like a little series of buildings. One is a church, one is a bank and one is a store. She began receiving one dollar a week, putting a quarter each into the church and bank and 50 cents into the store. When she began making “real” money teaching piano, she transitioned so easily into tithing and saving - much more so than our older children had. (We’ll be buying the bank for our granddaughter this Christmas!)
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